Leading conservationists have urged the world's polar bear population to 'break the cycle of smoking and alcoholism' if they want to stand a chance of survival.
The problems threatening the polar bear community have been long documented and scientists are worried it will lead to the eventual extinction of the species.
Rufus Bobcat, who leads polar bear charity WhiteOut, said: 'We're worried sick about these bloody polar bears but they just won't help themselves.
'We've tried everything but all they do all day is sit around on the ice caps puffing cigarettes and throwing back shots of vodka.
'A lot of people think that global warming is the big threat to these amazing animals but it's not, it's alcohol abuse and crazy 50-a-day smoking habit.
'Most of them have lung cancer by the time they are seven years old and they could go shot for shot on vodka with any sailor.'
The bears drink pure vodka as it only has a very low freezing temperature, while they are kept well-stocked with cigarettes by raiding passing traders on their way to Inuit villages.
'They just can't seem to break this generational cycle of self-abuse,' continued Mr Bobcat
'From the minute they are born they are suckling on vodka and puffing at mum's cigs. The parents are passing it on to the kids.
'You should see them on a Friday night - it's got to the point where we don't even have to take a tranquillizer gun with us any more as they are so out of it they couldn't attack a kipper.'
Previous attempts to help the bears - such as offering free places at rehab clinics - have failed and if nothing is done soon, experts estimate the world's polar bear population will disappear within a matter of years.
Sadly, this is something Rufus Bobcat said he was almost resigned to happening. 'Fuck 'em,' he blasted. 'We've tried but the furry fuckers just don't want our help.
'Let them go extinct, that'll show them.'