Cricket Australia have confirmed that their current national captain Ricky Ponting, is to be deported because of the side's failure to reclaim the Ashes.
England's innings victory in Melbourne means Ponting's the first Australian captain to lose 3 Ashes series.
"The level - or more accurately the depth - of performance by the squad has been truly embarrassing" CA's CEO Jack Sutherland told reporters. "As captain, Ponting must shoulder the blame for seemingly not being able to use a lump of wood properly and for leading a team that could bowl the Poms out even if they used hand grenades."
What Cricket Australia have revealed is a hidden clause in the captain's contract, which means a sustained period of loss means he becomes persona non grata, and will be forced to live in a country of his own choice, but not Australia.
"Personally, I'd like to see Ricky forced to live in England, where he'll be forced to either pull pints in a pub or write endless articles about how he wasn't given enough support to win the Ashes back. Quite frankly, he's a disgrace and exile's too good for him."