As fresh water supplies across Northern Ireland ran down to a trickle, Deputy First Minister Martin McGuiness has announced that Volvic had won the contract to supply the province’s water cannons .
The news will come as a surprise to rioters across Belfast who, henceforth, can expect to be knocked off their feet by a powerful jet of water tasting ever so slightly of Lemon & Lime before having the shit kicked out of them by the police.
And the refreshing drink together with its sister brand Volvic Light received a further boost after Education Minister, Caitriona Ruane, insisted it would replace tap water containing faeces as the number one drink of choice for the region’s schoolchildren.
But last night fears were raised of a widening sectarian divide based on competitively priced mineral water after McGuiness announced that anyone caught filling water cannons with rival product Evian, or daring to sip it, would face a kneecapping .
Former Minister the Reverend Ian Paisley, who represented the DUP in the Power Sharing Executive said :
“Evian is favoured throughout the loyalist community for its strong molecular structure consisting of two protestant hydrogen atoms bound together by an atom of oxygen that has sworn allegiance to the Queen, and is a drink which remains thoroughly untainted by Papism. “
The news will also cause embarrassment for the Ulster Volunteer Force, who are said to be sitting on a huge stockpile of the liquid, which retails at around £1.22 per litre bottle and is available in both still and sparkling varieties.
It’s likely, however, that loyalists will enter into the spirit of the Good Friday Agreement and drop their traditional hostility to the natural spring water which is drawn from deep inside the lush green ancient volcanoes of the Auvergne in France, if it can be proved that nobody has pissed in them.
A decommissioning process would see the UVF put their supplies of Evian beyond use by unscrewing the cap and turning the bottles upside down - all within an agreed timeframe.