Just five days after winning the competition, The Apprentice 2010 winner Stella English has been disqualified. Following a series of background checks, it emerged that the mother of two has previously been involved in some voluntary charity work in her spare time.
"It really is disgraceful, I don't know how we missed this detail in the interview round" said a spokesman for the BBC show.
Sir Alan has been upset by the administrative error. "She generally had the right stuff," admits Jack Cutter, head of Archduke Alan's advisory team. "But then all this voluntary work stuff came out.... The bottom line is, you've got to want to succeed. And to succeed you need to make as much money as possible. And you don't make money by doing sodding voluntary reading for the blind. We just had to say, that's it Stella, you're fired."
A replacement candidate has fortunately been found, but the search has not been easy. Philip Fyffe-Chesterton, a twenty-three year old professional bullshit artiste from Richmond, was one of the shortlisted replacement candidates. "I'm a competitive guy, I make no apologies for that," said Fyffe-Chesterton in an interview following English's disqualification. "The way I see it, everything's a race. I mean, we're in a race, all of us. It's called the Human race. And I intend to win it."
Fyffe-Chesterton is indicative of the caliber of contestants the show demands: he was head of the school's captains team at the age of fifteen, and made his first hundred at the age of five months, selling distilled gripewater to other babies in his mothers' group.
The entrepreneurial young go-getter has displayed non-stop drive ever since; he clearly wants to be the best at anything he does, be it running a company, investing in the stockmarket, or embezzling funds. Upon leaving school, he gained a place in Cambridge College, Oxford with a scholarship in rugbysailing and graduated with a first in a degree in Ambitious Sociopathy. "I'm somebody who firmly believes in three things: grabbing the bull by the horns, jumping feet first, and using as many cliches as possible."
The ultimate replacement winner was revealed just five days after the original final. Kevin from Essex, an original applicant from the early stages, was informed of the good news yesterday evening. "This is a particularly personal triumph," gushes Kevin. "I've been through a lot of hardship in my life to get where I am, and this is just the icing on the cake."
Kevin, who openly speaks of the three years of his life spent in a menal institution in Romford, was determined not to let anything hold him back. "It transpires that although I've been diagnosed with mild psychosis in my early life, this has worked in my favour," Kevin explains. "Traits such as not empathising with those around you, and having no moral compass to speak of, actually prove valuable in today's business world."
Kevin's mental illness has only represented a portion of the setbacks this rising star has faced. Kevin is also, in fact, a Yorkshire Terrier. "Yes, I was born a dog. But I don't see why that should hold me back. I've learned how to actually talk, and that is symbolic of my willingness to succeed," says Kevin, before promptly licking his own balls.
Baron Von Alan's team has been particularly enthusiastic about the replacement candidate. "Kevin is exactly what we are looking for," says Cutter. "He wants to be the best, and doesn't care which field. He also sits, begs and rolls over when we tell him. The clincher for me is when Supreme Overlord Alan threw a frisbee across the boardroom and Kevin was the only candidate who jumped out of his chair to retrieve it. At that point, I knew we had found the next Apprentice."
The successful BBC show has now finished its run for another year. What next? "2011 will see a new batch of fresh-faced candidates and an even more intricate set of hoops for them to jump through," says Cutter enthusiastically. "Sure we could just hire through the normal channels, but that wouldn't afford us the sadistic pleasure and self rightousness of killing a young sociopath's dreams on a weekly basis. And there's also the shitload of cash to be made from the show. It's a system that's worked well so far,' posits Cutter, in a direct nod to this year's ultimate winner. "If we can just get him to stop pissing on the pot plants..."