Coalition cabinet minister and Lib Dem spokesman for ballroom dancing, Vince Cable has declared war on all Ruperts. Cable was reprimanded by the Prime Minister for his attitude towards Rupert Murdoch's takeover of BSkyB but it has been revealed that he has had it in for Ruperts for a long time.
Harry Potter star Rupert Grint admits he has been on the receiving end of Cable's vindictiveness. "It started with deliveries of pizzas we hadn't ordered" he told our reporter. "We thought it was a genuine mistake at first, but then it happened every night. The orders got bigger, and then one day last summer a truck pulled up and dumped a load of horse manure on the driveway."
If that were not bad enough, Cable is alleged to have sent heterosexual pornography to the house of actor Rupert Everett, causing the tabloid press once again to doubt his sexual orientation.
Our reporter was also sent to Nutwood to the house of Rupert Bear, who it is alleged, is staying with friends after Mr Cable threatened to strangle him with his trade-mark checked scarf.
Friends of Mr Cable have become worried about his mental state after one afternoon in the House of Commons library he was seen to be tearing pages out of a volume of poetry by neo Romantic Rupert Brooke.
A spokesman for Mr Cable was unwilling to comment at this time.
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Cable declares war on all Ruperts.
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