Saviour of the World and God’s only son, Jesus Christ, stunned the world yesterday in a foul-mouthed outburst about Christmas gifts only a few days before his birthday.
Jesus, who is also lead vocalist of indie band, The Trinity, was answering questions in an interview for New Messiah Express (NME) magazine when he was asked about the traditional gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh brought by the Three Kings (Jonathan, Carole and B.B.).
“I don’t mind the gold,” said Jesus, “because that’s got bling value. And like my Dad says it’s better to be blingin’ than mingin’. But what the fuck are frankincense and myrrh? Apart from an explosion in a Scrabble factory.”
When pressed further, Jesus said, “Look, loads of traditions have changed in the last 2000 years. There’s the internet now so priests can groom kiddies for sex using their iPhones and these days it’s even OK for women to speak and know stuff. Times are changing and people need to accept that. That’s why I’ve started an Amazon Wishlist so I can get some better stuff. My disciples should check it out!”
Mr Christ went on to describe his enthusiasm for the Amazon website saying it stocked the Bible and “loads of other fiction as well as competitively priced electrical items”. He especially praised the DVD section where he’d asked for all the South Park box sets (“Cos I’ve got a cameo in it”) from his mates as well as Bottom, “because Adrian Edmondson is wicked, like proper wicked. Dad’s gonna burn him in Hell and everything.”
Jesus also revealed he’d hacked Judas’s Amazon account and set up a wishlist for, “30 pieces of silver, a strap-on, and getting mysteriously killed quite soon”
Jesus hotly denied allegations that he was just pissed off about always getting his birthday and Christmas presents rolled into one, and vowed to “turn the other cheek” before opening his robe and mooning at the assembled photographers.