Communities Minister Eric Pickles today told the House of Commons that most Councils are “Fat, lazy, good for nothing bastards who should learn to look after themselves before preaching to others about how to carry on.”
“Bloody hypocrites. Listen to them, telling other people to tighten their belts while their own great slobbery rolls of ugly, flabby, oleaginous waste hang out for all to see. If they don’t start looking after themselves soon, their vital functions could break down altogether.”
Sprawled over the despatch box, sucking on a meat pie with gravy slopping disgustingly onto the napkin tucked into his collar, family size jar of Pickled Eggs and tin of Quality Street open by his side, Pickles swigged mouthfuls of Tesco Value Cola and belched heartily before commencing his speech.
“Years of Bunteresque, gluttonous extravagance have taken their toll on the local government system” he began. “Councils have literally eaten all the pies. Don’t talk to me about low self-esteem, they’ve only got their sweaty, corpulent pathetic selves to blame.”
Farting uncontrollably, Pickles became visibly upset as he continued “The Big Society is all very well, but no-one likes a fat bastard. Most Councils were always the last one to get picked in Games, get out of breath climbing the stairs and I bet they haven’t seen their dicks for years, can only get sex if they pay for it and even then - oh why didn’t I look after myself I’m so unhappy….”
As Pickles composed himself and resumed his seats, fellow Ministers congratulated him on his speech and offered him after dinner mints, “I couldn’t possibly, oh go on then, just one”, he was heard to say, seconds before exploding.