A dispute between police chiefs and the government have been averted tonight as the Home Secretary Teresa May asserted her authority and told police that she would not authorise the use of water cannon on the UK mainland this Christmas.
Said May “I have told the police to stop acting like spoilt children. It’s the same every year. They see something on TV and they all want one. Well not any longer. If they don’t behave, I won’t let them open any presents until we get back from Grandma’s on Christmas Night. They’ll get what they’re given and be thankful for it.”
“It’s not like they haven’t got enough toys already. Those depots are full to the rafters of riot gear that they’ve only played with once. And those video vans – they bleated on and on about getting one last Christmas, then after the batteries ran out during the Queen’s speech it’s never been out again since. They’ve played with the box more than they have the toy.”
Metropolitan Police Commander Paul Stephenson struggled to hide his disappointment last night. “It’s not fair”, he said. “Those boys across the road have got five of them and play with them all the time – it looks like great fun. And I’m not allowed to even try one. “
“But I suppose if the letters to Santa have already gone off then fair enough, I’ll have to accept that, and make do with the rubber bullets and right to terrorise thousands of innocent people by kettling them against their will - I’ve been promised those already”.