Mr Gary Simpkins of Chorley is expected to contract a heavy cold this weekend, the Meteorological Office has predicted.
Spokesman Geoff Telfer said “Mr Simpkins has gone through the year suffering only from mild sniffles now and again. But a common cold virus has been doing the rounds of the first floor this week. It has already affected sales and accounts and is likely to move into marketing in the next few days. He would be well advised to stock up on Lem-sips and take plenty of rest. It’s already taken out Tracy on reception although, to be honest, so has half the building ”.
Meanwhile on the third floor, HR Manager Dougal McAndrew resigned at the weekend blaming himself for an outbreak of flu in the IT Department having failed to advise people to wrap up warm and wear a vest. His replacement Neil Mellor has been working closely with the caretaker to ensure that the heating is on and windows are kept shut.
“We need to take heed of these warnings,” said Mellor. “It’s the office party season and we recommend that staff exchange bodily fluids only if it is absolutely essential”.
Meanwhile reports of flu outbreaks in Design and Reprographics have been dismissed by the Met. Office. Said Telfer “The figures were distorted by blokes throwing sickies to watch the Ashes, hangovers after Christmas drinks, and let’s be honest, outright wimpishness. Some of these blokes just need to pull themselves together. Man flu my arse. Oh, Excuse me a minute, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatchooooooooooooo.”