Leading London shiny things emporium, Selfridges, has opened its Christmas Department extra early this year by only selling gifts for Christmas 2011.
West End shoppers are used to the ever earlier appearance of crackers and musical pants, and Cadbury’s Creme Egg Flavour Christmas Pudding has been around for several years now but Selfridges has decided to steal a march on its rivals by opening now for Christmas next year! The launch event will even feature special “The 426 Days of Christmas” window displays.
Tobias Thompson, Selfridges Head of Seasonal Promotions said, “We think there’s going to be a big demand for our Christmas 2011 offering. In particular we think OCD sufferers will love the chance to sort out all their Christmas mas needs so far in advance leaving them plenty time to repeatedly wash their hands and flick light switches on and off to avoid their family dying of cancer.”
Oxford Street rivals have pooh-poohed the plan. Debenhams Chief Executive, Richard Tillson said, “This is a ridiculous idea and I’m definitely not furious I didn’t think of it myself.”
Some analysts have questioned how Selfridges will be able to enforce the ban on buying items for Christmas 2010 but Thompson has a plan, “Our Christmas store will offer an optional compulsory wrapping service for all purchases which will be staffed by an army of partially-sighted great aunts who use an entire roll of Sellotape on every gift. We estimate it’ll take at least a year for recipients to get at the gift inside, even if they use a pneumatic drill and hedge trimmers.”
Shoppers on the street gave the idea a mixed reaction. Barbara Tapp of Basildon said, “I think this is a terrible plan. If I buy stuff but it takes 12 months to open it that means I’m going to have all the aged relatives in my sitting room for a whole year, pissing on the sofa and losing their dentures when they fart. Hell!”
A spokesman for Santa also blasted the Selfridges idea, “Everyone knows that getting presents depends on whether you’ve been naughty or nice during the year. Letting people buy gifts for 2011 totally undermines Santa and his extensive elfin spy network. We will not tolerate it.”
North Pole insiders say that Thompson has already been pre-marked “naughty” for the next decade.