The 196 sovereign nations of the world, meeting in congress at the UN in New York, have agreed that Britain's excruciatingy embarrassing conduct is now intolerable and that, seeing as it is no longer capable of a fulfilling life, the kindest thing is to put out of its misery. Britain has been stuck in an increasingly infantile state for many years and its condition has deteriorated alarmingly since the coming of reality TV.
'I'll admit we were never close,' said Germany, which sponsored the motion. 'I tried to grit my teeth and smile when he kept on about 'Two World Wars and One World Cup' and sometimes I even said 'Three World Cups and One Ability to Cope with the 20th Century', but nothing got through to him. Well, as Britain himself famously said, enough's enough'.
The US, which seconded the motion, declined to comment beyond saying it had 'had enough of that special relationship crap he was spouting. Remember the American War of Independence. Like, hello, independence from who? Durr.'. In a written statement, co-sponsor Thailand added: 'Britain worst farang of all. Smell of chips, haggle over price, always want to be spanked. Bad bad man.'
Support for easing Britain's passing was not unanimous. Greece and Ireland, which both had applications for assisted financial suicide turned down recently, contended that 'life is precious' and 'we need the tourists, frankly'. Australia abstained, as it is still awaiting clarification on the status of the Ashes if Britain is put to sleep before the current series is completed.
Switzerland's Dignitas clinic, which has handled several terminally crap nations in recent years, is on hand to assist at short notice, once it completes the voluntary euthanasia of several failed states in West Africa. However, it stressed that is only ready to step in if Britain is ready to go and this remains to be clarified.
'I'm, like, not sure I can cope any more, now that X-Factor is over for another nine months and Simon Cowell might not be back,' mumbled Britain, which has been bedridden with severe weather for three weeks. 'Maybe we could wait till after the Royal Wedding though? Ooh i can't wait 2 c what Kate will wear LOL. Im so excited LMAO!!!!!!!'