A heavenly envoy of the Lord God Almighty has vowed to fight his proposed extradition to Israel to face trial regarding an alleged sexual assault dating back to 1 BC. The alleged victim, named only as ‘The Blessed VM’, has come forward after 2011 years to claim that the sacred messenger coerced her into sexual relations, despite previously appearing blessed among women to be singled out as the mother of mankind’s saviour and anecdotally ‘well up for it’.
‘So like, I was young, I was naïve, this resplendent archangel comes down from on high and starts giving it all the chat about finding favour with God and inheriting the throne of David – we’ve all been there,’ said the anonymous victim, who is also in discussions with the CSA for two millennia of backdated maintenance payments. ‘Can’t believe I fell for it – “full of grace”? Full of something… But now I think about it, I never actually gave my consent to be the vessel for the Son of God. I hadn’t even sealed the deal with Joseph. The bloke might be a handy carpenter, but there were issues with his wood, if you catch my drift...’
However, lawyers acting for the seraphim insist that the allegations are part of a wider campaign to discredit him since he elected to blow the whistle on the Kingdom of God. ‘My client strenuously denies these allegations, which we remain convinced are as a direct result of stone tablets he leaked to the Sunday Mirror,’ said a representative for Gabriel’s legal team, who are also refuting charges relating to a paternity suit filed by Kerry Katona. ‘And just for the record – if she was a virgin, then I’m a Catholic choirboy. Or a virgin.’