It emerged last night that the BBC has entered into an exclusive agreement to purchase the rights to show a package of Large Hadron Collider highlights from BSyB, the satellite broadcaster.
At a hurriedly called press conference, an excited Philip Bernie, Head of BBC TV Sport, breathlessly revealed that plans were well advanced to bring its viewers “the BBC that the viewers deserved”. “Our top presentation team will be on the touchline during each match, err, experiment bringing expert comment and analysis on the incidents and talking points in a two hour special peak time programme which will be shown every evening.”
Mr Bernie went on to confirm that the BBC had already sent Gary Lineker and Alan Hanson to Geneva to attend a half day course on particle physics to assist their post match analysis. “If they can get to grips with the intricacies of such diverse subjects as Sir Alex Ferguson’s psyche and the offside law then nuclear theory should be pretty straight forward.” he said, continuing by commenting that Lineker, 49, was “amazingly well qualified” due to his CSE in general science, although he wasn’t sure what grade the former England striker achieved.
Dismissing suggestions that the BBC didn’t understand what they were buying from Sky, Mr Bernie said “Some people have been saying that we will buy anything because we are desperate, but this deal puts us back into the forefront of world sports broadcasting. It’s a fantastic deal which every one will be talking about. In addition to the LHC, we get the women’s world tiddlywinks finals and the Cambridgeshire rock climbing championships from Ely.”
Mr Benie was frank when asked if a couple of ex-footballers could be described as “light weights”. “We are realistic and the BBC recognises that Lineker and Hanson will need experienced support in such an important new venture. This is why we are so pleased that we can announce that we have drafted in Fern Cotton to provide intellectual gravitas to the proceedings.