Following a last-minute intervention by Sepp Blatter and FIFA, the gulf state of Quatar has been crowned winner of the X-Factor, beating finalists Matt Cardle and Rebecca Ferguson.
"The contest was very close" added Blatter "And even though Matt and Rebecca thought they had lined-up sufficient votes for one of them to emerge as winner, the late delivery of a large consignment of brown envelopes, each of which was clearly packed with voting papers, appeared to swing the vote to Qatar. It just shows that you should not make any assumptions about the outcome of such contests."
TV analyst Martin Richards said that "The fact that most of the TV contests are won by rich or corrupt states or individuals must be a pure coincidence, after all who could have predicted that Monaco would be the winner of Masterchef and that Strictly would be won by Sir Philip Green."
Dave Lamb, narrator of Come Dine With Me, confirmed that his show would not be corrupted or influenced by the offer of material incentives but added that "Although Mr Al Fayad does make a lovely pavlova."