The country breathed a collective sigh of relief today as the nation’s favourite daft lad escaped with a suspended sentence for his latest bout of innocent japery.
Dave ‘Dazza’ Davies was appearing before Newcastle Magistrates charged with drink driving, having been clocked at speeds of close to 100 mph whilst ten times over the limit this summer.
Despite almost mowing down several innocent pedestrians and putting hundreds of other road-users’ lives at risk, Magistrates accepted the pleadings of Davies’ solicitor Nigel Jenkinson who argued that the moronic, incoherent, alcoholic thug should be spared a custodial sentence due to his ‘special place in the nation’s hearts’.
Passing sentence Chair of the Bench Mrs Marjorie Harvey said “Despite your having a string of similar offences to your name, showing no visible signs of being prepared to address your addiction, putting complete strangers at risk of their lives by your irresponsible behaviour, being unable to string two words together even when you’re sober never mind when you’re pissed, and failing to turn up for the original court case, I am convinced that this latest incident was no more than playful high jinx and that you should not be punished at all.”
“Indeed, the fact that the nation seems inexplicably to consider you no more than a loveable rogue due to your inarticulacy, impenetrable accent and naïve innocence, hereby gives you carte blanche to act like a complete arsehole for the foreseeable future, until the inevitable day that you are found dying, drunk and penniless in a hostel trying to sell your medals for a bottle of meths. I wish you every success for the future.”