Hot on the heels of the shark attack news in Sharm El Sheikh comes the disturbing news of jellied eel attacks in the River Thames.
Reports of attacks by the eels have been coming in from fishermen all along the banks of the Thames as the normally placid aquatic cockney delicacy has been going for their capturors with surprising aggression.
'They've been going for us like i've never seen before'commented experienced eeler Andy Rod ' my mate John got one down his waders the other day and the facking eel got hold of his meat and two vege good and proper. Fack me they must've heard the screams down the other side of the bleedin Isle of Dogs'.
Resident expert of freshwater organisms and other slithery creatures based at the Natural History Museum Professor Robert Martin explained 'this is very uncharacteristic behaviour of the anguilla jelliartus or as it is better known to us the jellied eel. I can only put this down to either it being a new hybrid species cross bred with the more aggressive conga eel or just the fact that they've finally got wind of their eventual fate and they don't fancy ending up incarcerated in jelly to be consumed by some Peckham barrow boy'.
The Professor would not confirm or deny as to whether the eels have been affected by something in the water similar to what has affected the sharks off the coast of Egypt.
'I would think that is unlikely because anything that attempts to float down the Thames through all the flotsam and jetsam of turds and industrial waste is up against it. If anything has got to these eels then it is definatley home grown shit and not middle eastern sea shit' finished Professor Martin.
The environment agency have today issued a warning reference the eel threat ' anybody going in or near the Thames do so at their own risk and that especially goes for anybody wishing to catch a jellied eel' explained an agency spokesman ' although quite frankly it's a toss up as to whether it's a bigger risk catching them or actually having to eat them'.