Innuendo free version of Nigella’s Christmas Kitchen to be broadcast to appease celibate viewers.
The BBC have announced that an innuendo free version of Nigella Lawson’s Christmas Kitchen will be shown over the festive season at peak time with her usual full on X-rated programme confined to late night schedules.
A spokesman for the corporation said they has decided to sex down the mainstream show in response to ‘frequent complaints from celibate and asexual viewers’ who say their enjoyment of the programme is frequently spoilt by Nigella’s smouldering glances as she sensually pouts around the kitchen purring sultry comments such as ‘desert is not desert without a good cream filling.’
In the new toned down programme, the domestic goddess will appear wearing a shapeless plain brown overall in place of her trademark plunging neckline sweater, so familiar to her many fans who salivate as she produces her tasty titbits.
The featured recipes will be similarly under exposed. The Christmas dinner won’t have any of the ‘usual trimmings’ and there definitely won’t be any chocolate truffles for Nigella to slowly pop into her mouth after licking her lips in anticipation. Not that viewers would see anything anyway as Nigella will be wearing a balaclava to go with the sunglasses that have been deemed necessary by BBC executives to hide her come-play-with-me eyes.
For the Christmas main course, to avoid further complaints, producers have deliberately selected a non succulent turkey which cannot under any circumstances be described as ‘moist’. It is expected that the bird be saved a stuffing of any kind and any mention of its legs or breasts will be censored by a pre watershed beeper.
The news has been met with distress from Ms Lawson’s supporters. A fan club spokesman protested ‘This is typical of the BBC’s new policy of trying not to offend a small minority and managing to offend a large majority in the process. We love Nigella just the way she is. If the BBC wanted to make a sex free cookery programme they should have hired Delia Smith or Antony Worrall-Bloody-Thompson.’