Assange has threatened to reveal a thousand-strong string of sexual offences he has committed over decades with hundreds senior diplomats and Heads of State.
A Press Release from the incarcerated Assange read: "If I am not unconditionally released I have given instruction to my network of PIMPs to reveal the Presidents, Prime Ministers and members of the Royal Family on whom I have forced myself. I have wikileaked in all of them - and in orifices you wouldn't believe, exposing dark places, and shedding light on things which should not see the light of day."
Silvio Berloscuni, who was thought to be most at risk from the embarrasing revelations, could be heard laughing it off behind a gaggle of naked "hunnies". It's not known whether her Majesty the Queen has been violated.