Former Pop Star and convicted paedophile Gary Glitter has agreed to solve Fabio Capello's left back conundrum and play for England during the world cup.
Glitter, who recently returned to England following a prison term for abusing young boys in the Philippines, was the bookies favourite after both Ashley Cole and Wayne Bridge were deemed unfit to for the position having only been involved in minor sex scandals.
"Gary is just what England needs" said a delighted Capello at a press conference today, "he is a tough, uncompromising man who has a proven record when it comes to national scandal. Discipline is a slight worry as he does have a habit of sliding in from behind, but I'm sure its nothing we can't sort out with a weekend training camp at the local primary school where we are basing ourselves for the duration of the tournament".
The decision to call on Glitter came after a frenetic week of activity. Cole had seemingly cemented his place in the team when it became clear he'd been knocking off pretty much anything wearing a skirt while married to his wife Cheryl, but following the divorce announcement yesterday all his achievements were technically undone under Fifa Rule 3b Section 2 which clearly states that any national player has to be "actively involved in extra marital affairs or at least appearing with a couple of naked women in a red-top daily", with the only exemption from the rule being given to Iain Dowie due to exceptional circumstances.
Bridge was then due to step in as replacement until the FA noticed that despite all the pictures of him in the paper with the girl that Captain John Terry had been giving a seeing to, when the application for the position was made in writing it seemed Bridge was actually a bit of a mummy's boy who had been honest, faithful and generous towards his partner during their time together. He was immediately expelled from the team to face Egypt and banned from selection until he "pulled himself together and got out a bit" according to a statement by the FA today.
Capello signed off today with an exuberant message for England fans. "What Gary gives us is a different option. We may play him from the start, he may come on as a sub, or we might just send him into the opposing team’s dressing room before kickoff, which has proved astonishingly effective so far."