Figures released this morning reveal a 23% increase in graduate employment in the international terrorism sector, suggesting a surprising market resilience for mass murder and carnage despite difficult economic conditions.
One aspiring job seeker, Lucy Shipton, who holds a 2:2 degree in English from The University of West England, commented, “Say what you like about suicide bombing, it’s a job for life. You’re never going to be out of work, you know, and there simply aren’t that many of those kinds of positions going at the moment.”
Market analysts claim the recent explosion in graduates is due to an overhaul of training programmes in the international terrorism sector. Says Shipton, “I thought my previous lack of chemistry or Arabic experience was going to hold me back, but the in house training programme was absolutely brilliant.” Abdulazziz Al’Hajjar, Head of Human Resources at Al-Qaida, agrees. “Thanks to the introduction of the Graduate Fast Track (To Eternal Bliss), we can take graduates from an arts, humanities or science background and turn them into merciless killing machines. If anything, we want our graduates to come to us as blank slates. That way it’s easier to impress upon them their fate as divine messengers of God’s wrath.”
And severance packages are generous too. After finding that international terrorism just wasn’t for him, Mark Pepper, 24, decided upon a different career path. “They were just great about it,” explains the 24 year old sports science graduate from Woking. “I’d gone into it with completely unrealistic expectations, but my team leader was really understanding. We had a party and they gave me a leaving present and everything – a plane ticket to Washington and this really nice watch, although I’m not sure why there are wires coming out of it…”