The social-networking website Facebook, which previously courted controversy by refusing to add a simple red “panic button” to their site, has succeeded in ending all child abuse and neglect. As of midnight on 6 December 2011, every Facebook user voluntarily changed their profile photo to an image of that user’s favourite childhood cartoon character, effectively ending all physical, sexual, and emotion abuse of children throughout the word.
A spokesperson for Facebook said “If even one user had refused to change their profile pic, this wouldn’t have worked. But luckily, everyone did, and now child abuse in all its despicable forms is a thing of the past”.
Effects of this change are already being felt across the globe, as child brothels have closed throughout Thailand and Cambodia and paediatric wards are empty of all patients except those who managed to injure themselves by playing with fireworks.
Reformed paedophile Gary Glitter is among those affected. “I used to be obsessed with violating pre-pubescent girls,” said the still somewhat creepy one-hit-wonder, “But now all I want is a healthy, long-term relationship with an adult female. It’s kind of a scary place for me to be really”.
In other news, Madeline McCann has been reunited with her parents and appears to be completely unharmed, while in the United States of America Jon-Benet Ramsay has returned to life and won several child beauty pageants.
However, not everyone is thrilled with the news. In the absence of any child abuse or neglect, the UK government has made all social workers who specialize in child welfare redundant.
“With no child abuse to tackle, keeping these people on would be a serious waste of public funds, which cannot be justified in these trying economic times,” said David Cameron.
A Thing of the Past
News of the redundancy has been greeted with strong protest. One former social worker, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said “It’s a real slap in the face after all the years of hard work and box ticking we’ve done. I’m so infuriated I could brutally beat my five-year-old son”.