A new report from an influential group of genealogists says that 50.22 per cent of men, roughly half the total population of the earth, can be linked romantically to American actress Jennifer Aniston, simply by being in her presence.
Professor Geoffrey Winstanley, Head of Cambridge University’s Celebrity Genealogy Studies Unit, says, “We discovered that male co-stars of Aniston are likely to show signs of 95-97 per cent romantic linkage, with that figure rising to an irrefutable 98/99 per cent speculated linkage if they are already married or currently dating someone else. The team took a series of measurements of brainless web chatter and vacuous newspaper speculation and when combined with a steady stream of ill-informed data from glossy women’s mags concluded that being male and within a ten foot radius of Aniston increased the chances of being labeled the ‘new love in Jen’s life’ by a ratio of 89:1.
“As men make up just over half of the entire 6,790,062,216 people on earth this means the chances are very good that you or someone you know could be romantically-linked to Aniston should she ever visit your town, or you land a part in one of her movies. Maybe you are just bringing her a coffee and you are big on Y-chromosomes. Boom, you’re dating. At least that’s the theory.”
It is rumoured that Aniston’s publicist has repeatedly stated that Aniston’s relationships with male colleagues and acquaintances are ‘merely good friendships’ so many times that she has resorted to having a pre-prepared statement printed on laminated cards, and now simply sends them to the media on a weekly basis. The name of the current alleged beau is tippexed out and updated in marker pen.
The remaining 49.75 per cent of the population are female and there is so far no evidence Aniston is romantically interested in them – despite male scientists insisting this would be ‘amazing’ and almost certainly something they’d like to document, probably on video.