Gone to are the Eight maids a-milking, due to the decimation of the dairy industry. The Twelve drummers drumming, and Eleven pipers piping, have all been served with ASBOs to prevent them causing further noise nuisance to their neighbours. Orders restricting any further imports of French hens have been put in place, to encourage struggling British poultry farmers. The government has also decided to liquidise its assets by sending the Five golden rings to Cash for Gold. The Four calling birds have been let go, on the advice of communications director Andy Coulson, over fears their calls may be tapped.
The number of lords a-leaping is to be increased, from the existing ten to over four hundred, in an attempt to reduce the numbers of unemployed Civil Servants and Bankers currently flooding the job market. The partridge in a pear tree is still there, primarily to provide sport for the Boxing Day Shoot. However, it will also feature prominently, along with the Six geese a-laying and the Seven swans a-swimming, as the centrepiece of a massive ‘Bullingdon style’ blow out on New Years Eve. An event to which the Nine ladies dancing have already been invited. The ladies have also been offered alternative employment in Westminster strip clubs. The two turtle doves are to be gainfully employed in the making of a hat for Sam Cam to wear to the forthcoming Royal Wedding.