Asda thought to also be acquiring biological weapons - later confirmed to be Smartprice Rice Pudding. More Soon
Supermarket Price War escalates as Tesco 'to acquire Nuke'
(8 posts) (6 voices)
I think this a fantastic idea and well worth expanding.
I'd second that(although not volunteering to do any actual work, mind...).
Is that a misprint for Nike?
A great idea worthy of lots more words. Get to it Wibbly.
[ok, here's some ideas for this -- pretty drafty, but maybe will spark someone to do it properly...]
Supermarket Price War escalates as Tesco 'to acquire Nukes'
The UK supermarkets’ battle for a greater share of the consumer pound took an alarming turn this week as Tesco announced it was on the verge of achieving nuclear capability. While US and Russian navies mobilised to blockade British waters and the UN hurried to condemn the action of the supermarket, the retailer insisted its intentions in stockpiling atomic warheads were far from sinister, and purely part of its ‘relentless commitment to value, and meeting the needs of the busy mum or despot.’
Other supermarkets have been quick to respond with their own nuclear programmes to intensify worries that the price war is heating up, with Asda undercutting Tesco with a rollback to pre-Cuban missile crisis prices, and Sainsbury’s drafting in Jamie Oliver once again to promote the superior half-life of their thermo-nuclear devices, and M&S promising 'Armageddon for two' for a tenner.
While the supermarket nukes proliferate further controversy is also emerging -- Tesco has insisted it is creating jobs, and wealth for developing economies by its nuclear move, but uranium enrichers working in makeshift labs across the former Soviet Union have condemned the buying practices of the supermarket, claiming they display ‘less social conscience than Mahmoud Ahmadinejad during a total news blackout’. The supermarket, they say, is driving them to the verge of bankruptcy, and they may even have to resort to dairy farming to get by.
And despite all the supermarkets criticising each other for escalating the situation by selling wastefully large supplies of bombs that could never possibly be used before the world’s expiration date, they have been united in insisting they are sufficiently responsible for managing their own stocks, and by declaring that it would be ‘catastrophic’ for the future of edge-of-town malls across the world if ‘more volatile’ Indian and Pakistani owned cornershops in residential areas were allowed to get their hands on them.
Some additional ideas and a re-working of Neal's effort:
Supermarket price war escalates as Tesco acquires Nuke
The UK supermarkets’ battle for a greater share of the consumer pound took an alarming turn this week as Tesco announced it was on the verge of achieving nuclear capability. Despite international concern, the retailer has insisted its intentions in stockpiling atomic warheads are far from sinister, and purely part of its ‘relentless commitment to value, and meeting the needs of the busy mum or despot.’
The UN has responded quickly and arms inspectors have been sent into Tesco branches nationwide to monitor their nuclear programme. ‘We haven’t found anything yet,’ said one. ‘Our Geiger counters all gave out after picking up some very strange readings in the fruit and veg aisle. But we’re confident of uncovering something soon. Some of the staff already look like they’ve been exposed to something nasty, and there’s a worrying smell coming from the cheese counter.’
Only months ago commentators believed the Cold War was over after Asda rolled-back to pre-Cuban missile crisis prices on key frozen goods such as chicken dippers and Findus crispy pancakes. But since Tesco’s announcement other supermarkets have been quick to respond. Lidl has vowed to launch a suicide bombing campaign after finding a surprising number of willing volunteers from among its own staff, and Asda has itself developed biological weapons, though these were later confirmed to be its Smartprice rice pudding.
Despite the crisis, supermarkets have found ways to turn it to their advantage and win new customers. Sainsbury’s has drafted in Jamie Oliver once again to promote the superior quality of it’s ‘Bag for Half-Life’, and M&S is promising 'Armageddon for two' for a tenner. And amid concerns over the nuclear buying practices of Tesco, Waitrose has promised to develop a Fairtrade nuclear arsenal with ethically sourced uranium hand-enriched by local scientists, plus computers for schools vouchers with each test launch.
There were signs today that there may be common ground between the supermarkets after all agreed that it would be ‘catastrophic’ for the future of edge-of-town malls across the world if ‘more volatile’ Indian and Pakistani-owned cornershops in residential areas were allowed to acquire nuclear weapons. However, things looked less hopeful after Tesco contacted its Clubcard holders to reward their loyalty with advance notice of the world’s best before date, before revealing that their 400-pack of tinned spam is currently ‘buy one get one free’, and Value range nuclear bunkers are now only £49.99.’
Isn't this along the lines of Armando Iannucci's Time Trumpet episode where Tesco invaded Denmark utilising their arsenal of Express, Metro and Extra stores!
Just a thought
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