England will not be hosting the 2018 FIFA World Cup, it has been announced. The relatively small nation which invented Association Football but only plays at a mediocre level put in a competitive bid to host the internationally renowned sport competition, which made copious mention of aging football star and Los Angeles resident David Beckham, wealthy toff and purported Smiths fan David Cameron, and Prince William, who has never played football and is not called David, but was worth a mention as he has recently announced plans to marry a commoner.
England's bid consistently downplayed the fact that the side has almost no chance of winning the Cup, and only a mediocre chance of making it past the quarter finals.
Instead, FIFA awarded the World Cup to a frozen, Northern nation which has recently emerged from socialism to a half-hearted flirtation of capitalism and a free market.