“I’m a Celebrity” star Lembit Opik is facing accusations that he possesses a mystical ring of power, which he uses to influence naive but attractive young women.
The ring, which said to be fuelled by the dying heart of an alien sun, has proved powerless against the collective will of voters, but can still completely mesmerise weather girls, models and lower level pop singers.
Guardian magic correspondent Alistair Bongo says: “The ring generates a force-field around Opik that appears to make flighty young things think that he’s George Clooney or something.
“I mean how else do you explain it? He looks like the front end of a pantomime horse, and yet he is constantly coated in hotties.”
Opik’s current girlfriend is 21-year old drama student Merily McGivern, whom close friends contest is either going all out to win a dare, or is completely under the spell of the 45-year old former Human Resources Training Manager.
Now the News of the World is planning to reveal CCTV footage it has obtained showing Opik backstage at a recording of “Saturday Kitchen”. In the video the former MP is seen recounting a recent history of Leicester City Football Club to a disinterested young blond female production assistant.
Opik then gives a sly smile and is heard to whisper, “Do you like my ring, pretty lady? See how it sparkles and gleams. See the fire burning deep inside it.”
As the girl stares into the ring, Opik intones, “Anall nathrach, orth'bhais bethad, doche'l de'nve”, the ancient Welsh for ‘If you want my body and you think I’m sexy.”
Alistair Bongo says, “This is a powerful spell, long rumoured to act as a babe magnet for those born with a face like a muppet under a blow-lamp.”
The young girl’s eyes then noticeably glaze over and she throws her arms around the Daily Sport columnist and aspiring stand-up comedian.
Bongo adds, “Considering his CV Lembit Opik should spend every night alone, relieving himself to the underwear section of the Kay’s catalogue. Instead, his headboard has notched up Sian Lloyd, a Cheeky Girl and even a lingerie model.
“Some say he does it through wit and charm, but the facts say it be witchcraft.”
Opik has issued a statement refuting the accusations and saying, "You are getting sleepy, very sleepy... "