Newly-released UK census figures show a strong slowdown in the birth-rate, giving rise to speculation that families anticipated hard times by having fewer children.
"It’s a complete disaster for baby oil production," lamented Olej Kochanie, Director of Scientific Affairs at New Jersey-based pharmaceutical company, Johnson& Johnson. “Babies are in really short supply at the moment and our extraction plants are operating on a three-day week to conserve resources.”
With a scientific breakthrough that is being called “a significant advance,” baby oil production has developed considerably since the early “cheese grater” method, common in the latter part of the twentieth century.
Now, the preferred technique is by chemical extraction which produces higher yields and less mess. The most common solvent, Ribena, dissolves the baby from the inside out and then with the use of a centrifuge, the oil is separated from other matter at unprecedented rates.
“We are justly proud of the progress we’ve made,” said Kochanie. “In these eco-friendly times, we’ve even devised a strategy to recycle the baby husks. Mixed with badger droppings they make fantastic potting compost. Or, when split in half and dried out, nimble-fingered children in Vietnam form them into tasteful bread baskets. Ikea have shown great interest in this product and plan to sell it under the name Smaklös Brödkorg which they tell me is Swedish for ‘tasteful bread basket.”
Even an exhaustive media campaign fronted by Rod Stewart has failed to achieve the baby quotas required for full production of baby oil. Stewart, already father of eight, has taken the noble step of conceiving another baby for the campaign, expected early in 2011.
“Sex has become a bit of a chore really,” said the 65-year old rock star. “I’d rather go to bed with a nice cup of Horlicks and a digestive biscuit but when I heard about the shortage of baby oil I wanted to do my bit.”
“He’s a national hero,” asserted Kochanie. “Competition for baby oil wealth has fueled violence between innumerable ethnic groups in Nigeria. We don’t want that sort of thing going on in Tunbridge Wells.”
(Credit too to Kodac1)