A tense rescue operation came to a happy conclusion in an office block in Slough Monday lunchtime, when Godfrey Collinsworth, 56, was pulled free from beneath the ‘biggest pile of paperwork you ever did see.’ Those who helped Mr Collinsworth to the surface described him as ‘tired, but in reasonably good spirits, considering he hadn’t been able to complete his bank reconciliation, was still missing some credit notes and had smudged one of his entries in the purchase ledger.’
‘For the first hour or two, it would be accurate to describe Mr Collinsworth as awash in an ocean of till receipts,’ said charming eye-witness Michelle O’Donague, 26, observing from her adjacent desk as the paperwork unfolded, ‘but as he navigated his way from the Straits of Profit & Loss into the Unchartered Waters of the Balance Sheet, larger A4 invoices printed on heavily-embossed 120gsm stock started rumbling to the surface, creating a veritable volcano of paperwork, which ultimately and inevitably erupted before coalescing into the single mountain it was all destined to become. Poor Mr Collinsworth. Swears by that antiquated adding machine. Won’t touch a calculator, never mind computers, and never took my advice, though he did admire my tits.’
Shortly before lunch, one of the handsome young men in the office stripped to the waist and worked tirelessly in the conditioned air to drive a bore-hole through the top of the paper mountain, using a sharpened 6H pencil in his bare hands ‘in the style of a sweating blacksmith,’ later identified by Ms O’Donague as her long-term gym partner, Gary Jamieson. Thankfully, a sedated Godfrey Collinsworth was able to return to his desk after lunch, with only the band-aids on his head and neck bearing testament to the morning’s drama.