Online shoppers will soon be able to experience a more realistic supermarket experience after Sainsbury's, one of Britain's major supermarket chains, announced a new direct-to-your-door tantrum service.
Sainbury's customer relations head Sheila Tiernan has outlined how, as of 14th April, people who buy their groceries over the internet will be given the option of pre-ordering a major 'hissy fit'. 'One of the major disadvantages of internet shopping is the missing tactile element. You can't squeeze fruit for freshness, you can't check the sheen on a fresh fish, and you don't get your toddler son screaming bloody murder because you won't buy him any Haribos. This new scheme goes some way towards rectifying that.'
Online customers who order a tantrum will have their shopping delivered in the usual manner by Sainsbury's army of delivery drivers, who are undergoing special training in order to prepare for this latest initiative. 'Our dispatch operatives will drop off your shopping, check them off the list and point out any replacement items - all as per usual. Should you decide not to accept our choice of replacement; they will throw themselves to the floor, stiffen their backs and bawl the place down until you agree to take said replacement.'
Trials in the West Midlands have already generated some positive feedback, with many busy housewives welcoming this return to the 'good old days'. 'Our regular delivery guy is such a nice man,' said one mother of two, 'but he screwed up his face and squealed until he was practically sick when I asked him to take back some tinned tomatoes. I was embarrassed and mortified - just like old times!'
'You should have seen the look on the neighbours' faces when I returned a bag of squashed satsumas.' another homemaker reported, 'It's been ages since I experienced the shame of being silently judged as I attempted to drag my kicking and screaming delivery driver back to his van. In the end I had to calm him down by promising him an LCD television when he got back to the depot. What else could I do? You try to be firm but it's not as if you can smack them in public any more is it?'
Rivals Asda are also launching a similar service aimed at families with older children. Customers whose shopping delivery is incomplete will be met with a surly, unapologetic shrug from a pimply driver barely out of his teens, following a successful 12 year, country-wide pilot scheme.