Rural Gloucestershire warns of B-52 threat to tea-shops
Tea-shop owners in Gloucestershire and beyond are annoyed by the arrival of US B-52 bombers at RAF Flatford which they say are causing their teacups to rattle and, in some cases, fall on the floor. Polly Smith who runs the Hippity Hoppity café in the village, said: “Our whole cottage trembles when they take-off. You haven’t seen or heard anything like it. The thatch is starting to lift too. I know there’s a war on, but have some respect.” Farmers report problems too. “Our dai
Trump and cronies to unleash snake oil reserves
"People are saying to me: 'Sir, Sir, we're running out of snake oil. Please can you give us more snake oil?" Donald Trump lied to America's dimmest and most credulous reporters (Fox News). "I said to them, come and get it," the president continued. "I have an inexhaustible supply of the stuff. "And my slimiest, creepiest, most fork-tongued allies on the Board of Peace, such as Putin and Lukashenko, have agreed to release their vast reserves of snake oil onto the markets, as w
HMS MacGuyver
The Royal Navy is being ridiculed globally following the humiliating news that it has no presence in the Middle East. The Labour government assures us that this is being dealt with as a priority. ‘The reason we don’t have any ships in the Middle East’ explains MOD spokesman, Clive Gobbins ‘is because we honestly thought it was all sand. Lots of sandy bits and rocky bits. We’ve only just realised that it actually has watery bits. But we’re working hard now, to make our presenc
Millions flee toxic fall-out from Trump's sickening bragging
Roads out of cities across the Western world are now packed with people desperate to escape the noxious effects of Trump's incessant self-congratulation. "They're seeking anywhere, way up in the hills or out at sea, with no WiFi connection and no TV or radio signals," said an AA spokes-spare tyre, "so they don't have to listen to Trump's nauseating boasts about 'winning on levels never seen before'." "We stuck with the news for as long as we could," said one evacuee on the A3
Josef Fritzl to stand as a Reform UK MP
Rumours abound that Josef Fritzl, the convicted rapist and Vincent Price lookalike, who fathered seven children by his own daughter, could stand for Reform UK at the next election. A spokesman for Reform told Newsbiscuit, "Mr Fritzl is currently in a prison for ‘mentally abnormal’ inmates, so sounds incredibly well qualified to represent our party in Parliament." "Despite the fact that he is Austrian, it is understood that Fritzl is considering applying for UK citizenship and
Oil firms voice concern that Strait of Hormuz may reopen
"Since the US and Israel started bombing Iran, and Iran closed the Strait of Hormuz to oil traffic," said a spokes-louse for the world's leading energy companies, "we have seen the price of crude increase by 50% and the price of petrol also soar. "Purely by coincidence, this is boosting our revenues to frankly obscene levels. "Our greatest fear now is that peace may break out and Iran will reopen the Strait of Hormuz, thereby replenishing oil supplies, bringing prices back to
Khamanei’s son ditches playboy lifestyle to become Ayatollah
Following his father's death, Mojtaba Khamenei - Mojito to his friends - has been forced to abandon his playboy lifestyle to become the new Ayatollah and Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran. ”I guess I always knew it couldn’t go on forever,” he said ruefully, speaking on Zoom to a reporter from Condé Nast Traveller from his penthouse in the Palm Jumeirah. “Only last week I was doing lines of coke off a hooker’s ass along with Don Trump junior, Netanyahu’s son and s
Country run by religious fanatics being systematically destroyed by country run by religious fanatic
Analysts believe that the situation where a country is being destroyed by another country, with both countries run by religious fanatics, is happening right now, in real time. 'Either the United States is destroying Iran with sheer brute force and technological superiority or Iran is destroying the United States with careful pre-planning and an abundance of not-giving-a-shittery. We can't tell right now, it could be either,' said an analyst. 'Of course it could be Russia de
Trump invoices Iran for US war costs
President Trump has demanded five billion dollars from Iran 'on account', until the war is over and the final bill can be calculated. A White House official explained. 'Iran has forced the US to incur massive costs in staff, expenses and munitions. All of these costs could have been avoided if Iran had just surrendered unconditionally at the outset. So it's only fair and reasonable that Iran should reimburse all our costs. We can take cash, or oil. Or we could take payment in
Starmer to deploy very strict regulations to the Middle East
"I regret to say that HMS Puff the Magic Dragon is not yet ready to sail to the Eastern Mediterranean,' Sir Keir Starmer told the nation in a prime ministerial broadcast, 'preferring to live by the sea in a land called Honah Lee - otherwise known as Portsmouth. 'So instead, we will be sending to the war zone a set of very strict rules and regulations. 'In the event of the Islamic Revolution Guard Corps launching missiles on RAF Akrotiri in Cyprus or the Mall of the Emirates i
