North Korean officials have just issued a warning to their uneasy neighbours to the south not to view the 1983 film WarGames.
“We have just seen this film, starring the young, decadent star of corrupt Western cinema Matthew Broderick,” said Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK) officials, “and it is god-awful! In an uncharacteristic act of North-South brotherhood, we implore you to save yourselves 114 minutes of your lives that you will never get back”.
Citing poor acting but the film’s “capitalist, morally bankrupt cast”, a heavy-handed and “clumsily drawn” anti-nuclear message, and “science-fiction” devices such as computers and modems which “we all know don’t really exist”.
Though Western governments were surprised by the tone of this message, South Korean officials say it “comes with the territory” when your nearest neighbours are so isolated that they only got VCRs in 2005.
“Last year, they kept going on about Tron,” said a South Korean government spokesperson. “But the worst was when they called us up in 2006 to tell us how much they loved Casablanca. They kept us up all night going on and on about how Ilsa should have chosen Rick. They totally missed the point of the film”.
Though the South Korean government is resigned to dealing future communications of a similar nature “until the situation in the North changes fundamentally”, they expressed relief that “at least it will be another ten or fifteen years before they get The Matrix”.
As of press time, South Korea had just been informed that a copy of Pink Floyd’s The Wall had been smuggled into the DPRK.
“Oh Christ,” was the official response.