President Barrack Obama took a moment out of his busy schedule today to dismiss his presumptive rival in the 2012 US General Election as "a grade-A moron", even though at the time he was bestowing an official Presidential "pardon" on two 45-pound turkeys.
"Today, I have the awesome responsibility of granting a presidential pardon to a pair of turkeys," said the most powerful man on the planet standing in the White House Rose Garden and somehow managing to keep a straight face.
"Now, for the record, let me say that it feels pretty good to stop at least one shellacking this November" Mr Obama added, referencing the humiliating defeat Democrats suffered during the recent Mid-Term elections to the Tea Party Movement, which Obama characterizes as "populist, pandering, and intellectually sub-par".
"My presumptive opponent, Sarah Palin," said Obama, "Will continually sink to the lowest common denominator to win the support of the American people, often stooping to vacuous, crowd-pleasing publicity stunts that have little or no political substance. I think America deserves better than that".
Mr Obama then granted an official presidential pardon to the turkeys, "Apple" and "Cider". In the past, a Presidential pardon was given only to human beings who had committed serious crimes, but had shown true remorse.
Please tell me I don't look like an idiot
Apple and Cider apparently earned their pardon, which means they will not be cooked for any American's Thanksgiving Dinner, by strutting to music before a panel of "judges" in California. They were then driven to Washington, D.C., though they probably have no idea that they have journeys approximately three thousand miles or that they have narrowly escaped a premature death.
Meanwhile, unemployment is estimated at 9.6%, US national debt stands at nearly $14 trillion with a $1.3 trillion deficit in the Federal Budget, and the nation remains mired in two unwinnable military conflicts.
"Sarah Palin," continued Obama, after the turkeys had been removed, "lacks the experience and intelligence to deal with the serious issues facing the United States of America today. I promise you I will devote every ounce of my abilities to solving these important problems."
"Except," added Obama, "When I'm doing stupid bullshit like this".