Professional violent anarchist student peaceful protest-march infiltrator, Miles Brewer, said tonight he felt ‘a right donkey’ when he realised he’d fallen for the oldest trick in the book. The Metropolitan Police devised the cunning plan to plant an unmanned van in the middle of the street. ‘Genuine students will always give a police van a wide berth,’ said a police spokesman, ‘and drift off to Greggs for pies. Violent anarchists, however, cannot resist the urge to smash it up.’
The simple ploy enabled the police video unit, posing as a news crew, to film crimes from close quarters. ‘The main perpetrators also obliged by approaching the camera lens and providing mug shots in a variety of interesting facial expressions,’ said the spokesman.
Admitting his guilt, Miles Brewer asked for mitigation, blaming his poor background and lack of a decent education for not being able to see through the old van trick or having any money to pay for the damage. But after the police liaison office took the trouble to explain the new rules on student loans and the increased earnings thresholds before repayments commence, Mr Brewer has agreed to ‘give it a go’ on one of the many academic courses available. ‘I’m hoping to do a combined degree in English Literature and Art History,’ he said, ‘after I’ve done my 800 hours community service working for a local demolition firm to get all this violence out of my system.’
The Metropolitan Police have since learned that handing over the van to a bunch of violent anarchists invalidated the insurance. ‘Ah well,’ said the spokesman, ‘live and learn’.