Lingerie stores across New Zealand’s South Island have joined together to offer ‘no questions asked’ refunds to the wives and girlfriends of the 29 trapped miners now feared dead after a second explosion rocked the mine yesterday.
In what has been hailed by local politicians as “a unique and magnificently altruistic gesture of solidarity” with the devastated mining community, the South Island Retail Consortium have announced that “any items of lingerie or risqué nightwear bought specifically for the anticipated purpose of entertaining rescued mine-workers can now be returned for a refund - no questions asked.”
Spokesman for the consortium, Derek Dingwall, explained “When we say ‘no questions asked’, we will of course be taking the details of the newly single ladies so that we can update them with special offers as they rebuild their lives and form new relationships. Of course it will take time, but we hope that they will remember the stores that helped them through their darkest hour, and when they are ready to shop for lacy basques and open crotch knickers again in a couple of weeks, we’ll be there for them”.
“We will be examining every returned item very closely for soiling of course,” continued Dingwall, “We imagine that these women have endured a few lonely nights recently and some may well have resorted to a spot of solo cavorting as a dress rehearsal for rescue night. If any of their vaginal juices have escaped on to the products well, unfortunately these will have to be confiscated. Well, you have to draw the line somewhere.”
Mr Dingwall also announced plans to contact the women regularly as part of a new counselling service offered by the consortium. “I’ll be handling that aspect of the service myself,” he revealed, joking “think of it less as bereavement counselling, and more like hands-on retail therapy”.