Scientists and anthropologists have discovered that the periodic table, once highly regarded for its perfection and beauty, contains a criminal element just like any other community.
The boffins’ concerns have centered around element 111, first observed in 1994. Its name, roentgenium, was found to be an anagram of “I’m One-Nut Reg”, a known villain whose violent personality is thought to stem from years of being mocked for a congenital deformity.
Judging from his position immediately adjacent to them, it is believed that Reg has been lying low for the past 16 years waiting for a suitable opportunity to blow the doors off and seize the table’s entire gold and silver reserves. Unfortunately for Reg, the copper on the other side of the gold and silver has shown no sign of going off duty and the blag has been delayed indefinitely. Reg is reported to have a very short half-life, or would have if some of his former associates caught up with him, and he is expected to remain where he is for the time being.
The increased activity in Reg’s manor has bought other concerns to the fore. Researchers have noticed that Reg’s recent new neighbours at No 112 and No 113, thought to originate from the Eastern Bloc, are even shadier than he is.
‘We have advised the authorities,’ said a man in a lab coat, who refused to be identified. ‘These guys are noted heavies and we are concerned they may get together in some compound and try to make a name for themselves. We intervened with magnesium once and there was a right flare up, and the transuranics went ballistic.’
Otherwise the table remains secure, with Germanium at a safe distance from Polonium. Francium remains out of the way in a corner but fears remain that a move to the right could provoke a nasty reaction.