Following his admission that condoms may be useful in preventing the transmission of the HIV virus, Pope Benedict XVII is expected to announce a change in attitude to paracetemol-based products designed to relieve the symptoms of the common cold.
The cold virus and its sister virus “the flu” infect up to two billion people every year, most of them men, and are responsible for debilitating symptoms such as a sore throat, runny nose and the urge to phone in sick in a whiny fucking voice and sound as though you were dying.
Many in the church have hitherto believed that the application of medicines in powder form to a hot drink amounts to sorcery and the church remains unlikely to change its attitude to Vicks Vapo Rub, which it regards as an abomination, especially when applied to a magnificent pair of breasts.
The shift in position follows research by top theologians who spent night after night scanning the Bible in search of a cold remedies, and eventually came to the conclusion that it may be morally justifiable to use Lemsip or rival product Beechams .
Cardinal Usepe Alonso, tipped by many to be the next Pope, said:
“Imagine you are a male prostitute, I sometimes do, and your main source of income is to allow your punters to go bareback. One evening you may find yourself with all the symptoms of a full on head-cold. The church would view it as permissible to offer your punter a perfunctory hand-job before downing a powder, apologising and heading off early to bed. “
“This has to be preferable to some kind of sweaty clinch in a back street where you give in to your innermost desires and allow yourself to be taken over and over again by some great big stud, probably a dark-eyed Italian, who is not lacking in the trouser department. At least in God’s eyes. “
To infect this man with your cold would be contrary to church doctrine and you could expect a five to ten year stretch in purgatory, although there’d be no shortage of hardcore action.
Last night, Marco Di Matteo , a rent boy from Padua, who welcomes The Church’s new thinking, said:
‘Since I take a the Lemsip Extra, there’s no way I let my cold keep me from finishing my shift, which, on a good night, can number anything up to twenty punters. Cold? What cold? You gotta be kidding me ! ’
‘I’m buggered if it’s going to help with my AIDS though.’