In a move already being hailed by economists as a stroke of genius, much-admired Education Secretary Michael Gove has announced that 162 million pounds can be saved at a stroke from the schools budget simply by cancelling all PE lessons and replacing them with rioting.
"Traditional sports have long been in decline," explained Gove yesterday to an appreciative audience of head teachers. "Kids today aren't interested in kicking a ball around or throwing a javelin - they'd rather be setting fire to police cars and throwing petrol bombs, and we're doing all we can to support their right to make this personal choice."
Brian Hurdle, Professor of Sports Science at the University of Esher, explained that there is a scientific rationale underpinning the government's policy. "The role of sport has always been to prepare the individual for the challenges they will face in life - running was obviously a useful skill for cavemen hunting for food, high jumping would come in handy escaping from predators, and curling is obviously a great benefit for those seeking employment in the road-sweeping industry. As rioting becomes more and more a part of everyday British life, it's crucial that we give our schoolchildren a head start. Have you ever tried to throw a fire extinguisher off a roof? They're bloody heavy unless you're trained for it, I can tell you."
In a related move already condemned by Labour as 'blatant electioneering', Gove has also revealed that every single school playing field will immediately be sold off to provide space to build prisons, except those of Eton, which are sadly not suitable. "Rioting being an essentially street-focused activity, we have no further need for these prime inner-city development sites," he pointed out, "And this will be a real boost to the struggling private prison industry. And of course, with the expected increase in violent misconduct in public places, we'll need every prison cell we can get."
Asked whether promoting rioting only to then imprison the rioters could be seen as a contradiction in the government's policy, he replied: "No more than asking McDonald's and Pepsi to come up with our Health strategy."