NASA boss in ‘Who really cares?’ outburst
NASA today signalled an end to all exploration and research aimed at establishing the origins of the universe. The move comes as the latest set of photographs taken by the spacecraft Voyager 1, currently exploring the Kuiper Belt on the very edge of the solar system, show a bunch of stars that look virtually indistinguishable from those viewed from Earth.
Professor Martin Cramber of NASA told a packed press conference in Cape Canaveral ‘The guys and I just looked at the shots, then at each other, and you could tell what we were all thinking. This is just one almighty waste of time.’ The professor then held up a series of grainy black and white photos showing what looked like stars. ‘I mean, look at this. And this. And this. They’re stars, yes? Do they tell you anything you didn’t already know? Of course not. We’re on this planet and there are stars around us in every direction, for millions of miles. We can take as many pictures as we like, but not one of them is going to show a star with a big fucking sign on it saying ‘it all started here’ or ‘This is heaven’. It’s time we accepted that and moved on. Or rather, stopped moving on.’
In a separate development, scientists at CERN were today describing the experiments with the Large Hadron Collider, built to address some of the most fundamental questions of physics such as finding Higgs Boson, as being ‘basically a bit pointless’. A spokesman for CERN said ‘There was some initial success in finding a particle that was smaller than what we had previously thought was the smallest particle, then we got briefly excited when we thought we’d found a particle even smaller than that. But then you propel the fucker god knows how fast straight into the path of another one using the Collider thingy and the best you can hope for is, yada yada, another tiny particle.’
‘So everything’s made of little things? Well excuse me, but I think most of around here kind of knew that already. We’re fucking scientists, after all.’