Another woeful performance by the England football team has prompted the Football Association to announce that it will be looking to appoint ‘someone’s grandmother’ to replace Fabio Capello when his contract expires in 2012.
The surprise announcement follows August’s comment from the FA’s Adrian Bevington that the next England manager should be English. Speaking at a hastily-convened press conference at FA headquarters this afternoon, Mr Bevington revealed the idea had only arisen last night as a party of FA officials left Wembley Stadium after the 2-1 defeat by France. ‘I heard a number of fans saying their grandmothers could do a better job of managing the England team than Mr Capello and I jokingly suggested to my colleagues we should maybe give it a go. Once uttered, however, what was initially a crazy notion seemed increasingly rational and indeed desirable the more we talked about it.’ The idea has found unexpected support from several football journalists and pundits. Said one: ‘No doubt some will argue that a granny will know nothing about tactics. However, after the game against France where England passed the ball along the back four without purpose or movement before hoofing the ball upfield, only to lose it immediately, that could be a definite advantage. It really is time for fresh thinking.’
The announcement is bad news for Harry Redknapp, the Spurs manager and bookies’ favourite to replace Capello. Says Bevington: ‘Despite being English and often wittering on about referees and how expensive players are nowadays, just like an old woman, his sex alone would automatically preclude him from being considered for the post.’ Some people are concerned by how the players would react to a grandmother in charge but in this regard Bevington prefers to look at the positives: ‘ A reviving cup of Camp coffee at half-time might be just the thing needed to perk up the team on occasions. Also, having a grandmother keeping an eye open for some nice young girls in steady jobs to be the WAGs of the future would certainly help keep players more focused on their football than their crotches.’ He is also certain there are savings to be had compared to the £6m a year paid to Capello; ‘Just enough money for a fortnight’s cruise and a stock of postal orders for the grandchildren should do the trick’ he said. He went on to add that the grandmother’s free bus pass would also help keep expenses down as she attended matches at some of the more far-flung Championship grounds where England seems to be sourcing its players nowadays.
Mr Bevington concedes that the perennial problem of how to handle Wayne Rooney would still remain, however, regardless who becomes the new manager. Indeed, the problem may even get worse once Wayne claps his roving eye on the grandmother. The search starts now and so any grandmother who might be interested is invited to send her c.v. to the FA with a covering letter (‘but no photos please’ requests Mr Bevington).
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‘Someone’s grandmother’ to be next England manager
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Duncan Biscuit
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