Commentators and observers of the royal family are rejoycing after Buckingham Palance announced the likely date for a spectacular royal divorce in October 2018. 'She was a lovely girl' announced Prince William ' But inevitably, like most young royals, we will have affairs, argue and split-up in an acrimonious fashion which will leave me rich and famous and defended by my Eton-educated chums, but her penniless and sleeping on the streets after having her toes sucked by some creepy perv from America.'
'Royal divorces are infrequent but spectacular, and the public has the right to know who did what to whom, using what and whether it cleaned-up OK' said BBC royal correspondent Jennie Bond.
Daily Star owner and royal pornographer David Sullivan insisted that 'The day should be declared a national holiday to give the public enough time to examine the gutter press and pontificate over the moral high ground whilst looking at some lovely royal tits and given the changes in press freedom which may be in place by 2018, maybe even a bit of shaved royal snatch. It would be great to publish a picture of a hard royal knob, but Phillip may be dead by then.'
Prince Phillip defended the royal family's position and appeared to repudiate Prince William's plans for divorce stating that 'I have been married to Elizabeth for an eternity and we have no plans to split-up unless she stops me going to Balmoral to polish the china, or is she a jap? So bloody confusing as these slitty eyed creatures all look alike. Oh, and we want that ring back.'