An elderly Glasgwegian man has been injected with the spawn of Satan at Southern General Hospital. The patient, who has not been named but probably now calls himself Damien or Beelzebub or something, suffered a stroke 18 months ago, and has been unable to walk or use the left side of his body ever since.
Professor Keith Muir, a neuroscientist and servant of Hell, injected the poor man with stem cells, which come from dead babies ripped from their mothers’ wombs in an unholy frenzy of sin and human degradation.
Eleven minutes and six seconds later, the patient reportedly stood up, sang the entire score of HMS Pinafore, and danced merrily out of the hospital, leaping up to click his heels as he went through the automatic door.
“He’s doing well,” said Professor Muir, referring to the patient’s performance, which was obviously the result of his body being possessed by the Beast with Seven Horns. "We hope that in the future it will lead to larger studies to determine the effectiveness of stem cells on the disabilities that result from strokes”.
Meanwhile, religious authorities worldwide, including Sarah Palin, Pope Benedict XVI, and the creepy old lady who lives in the flat opposite you, have confirmed that Satan now walks incarnate upon the earth, and Apocalypse is near.