Brian Jones, a 75 year-old retired miner from Nottinghamshire, has decided to change his life to meet the newly introduced requirements imposed by the Council for recycling domestic refuse.
"At first when the green bin arrived I was delighted" announced Jones "I couldn't wait to fill it with grass cuttings and leaves, and to put all the other rubbish into bin liners which were collected every week, but the Council then gave me a brown bin into which bottles and cans should be deposited. After all it makes sense to recycle organic waste."
"Next arrived the blue bin for paper and cardboard, but I had to be careful to remove the cellophane wrappers from the magazines and weekly supplemenmts and put them into the brown bin,or should that be the black bin I have been given for non-recycleable waste, or maybe the blue bin after all?
"It's just so confusing, and I can't be bothered to soak empty beer bottles to remove the labels so that I can put the bottle in the brown bin and the label in the blue bin. In the end I decided to employ a recycling manager to work for me and for him to take all these difficult decisions."
"Alright he costs me £25,000 per year plus the contributions to a solid-gold index-linked pension, but I'm lucky enough to have some modest savings and can pay him and his team of consultants to make difficult decisions as to where corks should be placed, and ensure the bills from such advice are placed in the correct bin, at least until my savings run-out on Friday, and anyway with all the government cuts it's a great help to the economy at present."
If it wasn't for the fact that I won the lottery on Saturday, I'd be skint next week, but having all this cash means I can load all the rubbish into bin bags, stick them into the back of my new supercharged V8 Range Rover and dump them in the local duck pond,along with the bottle of mercury I found in the cellar. That useless recycling manager will be on the dole as well. Hope he can recycle himself. Tosser."