I'm not your fucking mate!
Michelin-starred celebrity chef and world-renowned cunt Gordon Ramsay is to present and judge the BBC's new culinary reality show Celebrity Bastard Chef, it has been announced.
Mark Thompson, Director-General of the BBC, said "Gordon Ramsay is a national treasure. We want to ensure that his legacy of culinary perfection and quasi-fascist aggression continues in the current generation of talented young chefs."
Contestants who aspire to make it to the programme must pass rigorous swearing and temper tantrum tests to prove they scream like spoiled toddlers while swearing like characters from an Irvine Welsh novel.
"Many sequences in Bastard Chef will no doubt be familiar to dedicated Masterchef viewers," says Ramsay, who has three Michelin stars and an unpredictable temper which would make Satan himself quake with fear. "For example, early on contestants have to undergo a Skills Test. However, instead of, say, filleting a John Dory, Bastard Chef contestants will get their sous-chef to fillet it, and then scream at them before, during, and after the filleting, whether the sous-chef did a good job or not."
I dislike that so much I want you to eat it
In addition, Monica Galetti will reprise her role from Masterchef: The Professionals and administer the Skills Test.
"I want to see the chefs using their creativity to insult and bully their sous-chefs," said Ms Galetti. "I want to see real tears streaming down the sous-chefs' faces. Basically, contestants will have ten minutes to get the sous-chefs to resign or attempt suicide. If they can't do that, they don't have what it takes to be a true Bastard Chef."
"And I should know," added Ms Galetti.