Paedophiles in your neighbourhood last night slammed online retailer Amazon for featuring a book with a slapdash approach to child love.
Although the book entitled “The Paedophile’s Guide To Love and Pleasure: A Child Lover’s Code of Conduct”, received some initial praise from noteworthy paedophiles for its advice on grooming, closer examination revealed a ramshackle work that neglected to mention the favourite weapon in every bogeyman’s armoury - a van full of puppies.
Literary critics, however, claim chapters such as ‘How to come across as much younger in an internet chat room than you actually are’ and ‘Tips on removing dog excrement from your letter box’ are likely to become classics of the genre, and there is enough information in ‘Repairing UPVC windows the easy way’ to form the basis of a sequel.
Nigel Clarke, a monster from Stevenage, drew attention to the lack of an index and the huge number of typos :
‘For the second edition they should hire someone with basic proofreading skills, preferably an adult. My three year-old, Emily, could have made a better job of it . That said, if you want to be community spirited about it, the time I waste searching high and low for a particular reference is time I would have otherwise spent leering at toddlers at a nearby play area.’
Peter Galloway, an incorrigible nonce from Telford, claims the lack of puppy advice led him to buy an aggressive Jack Russell instead of a charming selection of wet-nosed Labradors. And the incessant yapping, he believes, can only deter kids from wanting to go on a five mile drive through the countryside.
‘Let’s face it - an opening gambit of “Hello little boy, do you want to come and see some puppies?” is always going to have a far greater impact than a line like ‘Would you like to have your hands ripped off by a Jack Russell with an attitude problem,’ he fumed.
Meanwhile, dog lovers everywhere pleaded with paedophiles living around the corner from you to not rush into buying puppies or a van without thinking about the consequences.
Dave Rushden, of the RSPCA, said :
‘People thinking of luring an infant into a remote wooded area using the enticement of a van full of lovable canines should remember that a puppy is for life, not just for Christmas’
Apologies for including a link to the mail.