The scientific community is in chaos following government announcements to more than halve funding into inane research which has made titting about a source of full time employment and twee news items for decades. The decision follows findings from a Government Think Tank citing growing cynicism as a result of the dire economic climate, and ‘Brainiac’ as reasons for reigning in spending.
Dr David. P. Entwhistle, Head of Research and Knowledge Transfer at the University of Milton Keynes expressed his concern about the damaging effects this will have on society as a whole, ‘Look, we now know that a duck’s quack does infact echo, this was a source of endless drunken speculation in pubs across the UK, and Friday afternoon work chat. Scientific knowledge answers everyday conundrums that reduce productivity and drinking time.’ Entwhistle also claims this is a second wave of funding cuts, which started with a reduction in the essential ‘Blind them with science’ training budget, ‘We need to know how Peter Worden wangled funding for one way tickets to Mars. The man is a genius, he could sell cane toads to the Australians. Without learning these type of skills we’re effectively screwed’.
In an already fraught week for the Student Community, undergraduates in scientific subjects are fearing for their future.
‘This was the whole reason we went to university,’ claims one student, ‘the potential to fuck about beyond Higher Education is what research science is all about. Sure, cancer needs a cure but it’s not as rewarding as finding out how many haribo fit in an oil tanker. Now I’ll have to get a proper job, have friends and shave.’
Shelved projects will include, finding out why what you have lost is always in the last place you look, the drunken behaviour of Dr Lefley’s springer spaniel Norman, and what makes cheese strings stringy?
‘Now what?’ muttered Dr Enwhistle eyes fixed on his Xbox, ‘it’s a dark day for us all’.
Credit to IABP for the one way to Mars quote and Wallster for the encouragement.