The University of Life announced today that it can no longer offer the free education it has provided to so many in the past. Established by a group of merchants in the 13th century as an alternative to Cambridge and Oxford, the university has produced alumni who have risen to the top in all walks of life, from Robin Hood to Peter Andre.
‘That last name shows you the size of the problem,’ said UoL’s Chancellor Lord Sugar. ‘Standards have fallen off a cliff, especially with millions now opting to exist online and pretending it is real life.’
After offering a completely free and informal education for centuries, the UoL will now require applicants to borrow £500 to buy a secondhand van and go round selling cleaning products and Amstrad goods. ‘If they can make a profit doing that it will be a bleeding miracle and they deserve a degree,’ said Sugar, ‘but if not they can at least have a student debt and suffer like everyone else.’
In other news the School of Hard Knocks has responded to criticism of falling standards by reopening as the Academy of a Fucking Good Kicking.
Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith praised these moves and announced some more new initiatives. ‘I have decided that the Carrot and Stick system is completely out of balance and is to blame for society’s current dysfunctional state. As from 2011 it will be abolished and replaced by a new Brussels Sprout and Baseball Bat incentive scheme.’
Smith went on to say that he intends to reintroduce the concept of the ‘deserving poor’, saying, ‘As far as I’m concerned, if you live in Rochdale and have no job or education, you deserve to be poor and will be given no further assistance. It may sound cruel, but it’s done with the best of intentions, namely to free up cash to pay a living pension to former MPs and their advisers.’