The inhabitants of two of Northern Britain’s greatest party destinations, Liverpool and Newcastle-Upon-Tyne, are living in a state of siege following the announcement that Coldplay are to play two ‘hidden’ Christmas gigs to benefit the homeless.
Normally ebullient areas, such as St Peters Square and Bigg Market have become eerily quiet wastelands after the band revealed that they will be playing for 1,000 people each night, announcing the venue the day before they appear on stage.
‘We’ve got a great scene here but as of tonight, me and the lads are just gonna stay in with a few beers, a DVD and a pizza,’ claimed one Liverpool reveller. ‘The odds might be as high as one in two thousand, but there’s no chance in hell that I’m going to risk finding myself at a Coldplay concert. The thought of listening to that bloke’s Alan Partridge voice makes me bloody ill – no wonder his missus cries at award ceremonies all the time.’
‘We’ve only had a few customers since the announcement,’ revealed a Newcastle bar owner, ‘and most of them have either been deaf, stupid, or middle-aged - It’s like a ghost town. I can’t remember the last time we had a hen-night in here – apparently most of them have migrated to faraway places like St. Ives or The Orkneys, just to be on the safe side.’
The terror alert level in Tyneside has been raised to ‘bland’, while local authorities in Bootle have began stockpiling ear plugs in a desperate attempt to protect the public from the bands ‘plaintive soft-rock dirge’. Others fear that Coldplay’s sickening advocacy for charitable causes will have a negative effect.
‘We used to be keen supporters of a number of charities around here,’ explained one local councillor, ‘but nowadays every time I hear the opening chords to ‘Trouble' on a televised appeal for Make Poverty History or some other middle-class conscience crap, I want to go to the nearest Oxfam shop and burn it down – God knows what’d happen if I actually have the misfortune to see them sing that bloody tune live.’
However the prospect of indiscriminate Coldplay gigs has at least had a positive effect among the regions homeless, with thousands of street dwellers breaking the cycle of despair to become productive members of society. ‘Ever since I heard what those bastards were planning to do, I conquered my alcoholism and drug addiction, had a shave and began looking for work,’ revealed one former beggar. ‘Okay so I’m picking spring onions for a Romanian gangmaster and living in a cow shed with twenty Slovenian couples, but at least I can look Chris Martin in the eye and say: ‘not in my name pal’.’