The Department of Health announced today that, following George W. Bush’s comments on the benefits of waterboarding, the treatment would become an integral part of the care offered to NHS patients nationwide.
‘It is important that we offer the general public the best possible medical service,’ said a junior health minister, ‘and it is beyond doubt that waterboarding is a lifesaver. There are many advantages to this treatment, above and beyond its life enhancing properties. For a start, it is cheap and reliable. It is also of near universal application. We plan to implement it nationally in all intensive treatment units in all of our hospitals. If you compare the costs, the figures speak for themselves. If someone suffers life threatening complications in open heart surgery we have previously had to spend a considerable amount of money on medication and machinery to keep them alive. What is clear to us now is that all we need to do is to lie them on the floor, cover their faces with an improvised, non-sterile cloth, and pour a steady stream of water over their faces. There is no further medication cost, and we are able to use staff that require no formal qualifications or training. This will save us millions.’
‘The plan will involve tests in a number of specimen areas,’ he continued, ‘and these will give us reliable data on which to move forward. In the first place, we will implement the new treatment in only the most tried and tested hospitals, with Stafford and Basildon hospitals taking the lead roles.’