Keir Starmer's leaving present
As Keir Starmer returns to the back benches, his colleagues in Number 10 have had a whip round for a leaving present. ‘He is difficult to buy for,’ said a twelve-year-old policy wonk. ‘He’s got all the suits and spectacles that he needs. He’s not really the type to wear an Arsenal shirt, not even in bed. He doesn’t seem to enjoy very much at all. ‘Our first thought was to get him an Amazon voucher, but he couldn’t be seen to support Bezos. Our second idea was a whisky dis
Burnham to pack off deadbeat ex-PMs to Dunrulin
'We have had six PMs in the past 10 years, almost all of them useless, and they all of need to be consigned to the dustbin of history,' said a ruthless member of Andy Burnham's transition team. 'This is why we're converting an abandoned pig barn near Milton Keynes, naming it Dunrulin, and moving them in there with no right to leave. Then Andy can take over with the slate wiped clean. 'In Dunrulin there'll be the Bullingdon Room, where David Cameron and Boris Johnson can hurl
Thousands snap up tickets to see the Burnhameux Tapestry
The Burnhameux Tapestry is shaping up to be the cultural sensation of the year as people in their thousands order tickets to view the masterpiece, which depicts Andy Burnham's historic Northern Conquest. The tapestry shows how Andy the Conqueror invaded the south of England by train from Manchester Piccadilly and forced Keir Toolmakerson to cede the throne to him. Several omens foretold Andy's conquest, such as a freak by-election victory for Labour in Makerfield and a decide
European leaders have a Trump rota
Giorgia Meloni , the Italian Prime Minister, is having a media spat with Donald Trump about who wanted a selfie. The spat has been raging back and forth for a week or so. Although the insult trading is mundane - business as usual for Trump - it has revealed that European leaders have a rota for scrapping with the US President. Keir Starmer confirmed the existence of the rota when he said, 'I can neither confirm nor deny that there is a European Trump tantrum rota.' Recent run
MPs slam 'disgraced' former leader
MPs have lined up to express their anguish and anger over the fact that Sir Keir Starmer didn’t have a secret life. A recently elected representative (who wished only to be known as ‘AB’) said, 'I am deeply upset that someone who claimed to be a leader was not a serial womaniser or embezzler. I mean he didn’t have numerous affairs or parked an illegitimately gained motorhome outside number 11. 'We knew when we elected him that he seemingly didn’t have a dodgy past, had a goo
Trump rants over poor attendance at his Great State Unfair
'My Great State Fair was meant to be the centrepiece of America's 250 years of independence,' whined US Crybaby-in-Chief Donald Trump. 'It was organised by Freedom 250, a company set up by me - a businessman who has spent his entire life bilking ordinary Americans like sub-contractors out of their money. 'So why on earth didn't the whole population come to Washington to get ripped off at the my Great State Unfair's overpriced hot-dog and soda stands?' asked an irate Trump. 'M
Defence Spending Plan includes improving VAR
The UK will set aside £5bn on drones to determine if a ball has crossed the line, with the precision normally reserved for missile trajectories. Predator drones will hover over the pitch to confirm whether a striker’s toe is existentially offside. And instead of slow-motion replay, you will get a 3D battlefield reconstruction narrated by someone deeply serious, probably Jeremy Bowen. An MOD spokesman explained, 'It's about priorities and, let's face it, we all prefer footba
Keir Starmer to serve popcorn for leadership election
Following his charitable visit last week serving popcorn to students in a Milton Keynes Odeon, Keir Starmer has announced he will be setting up his own popcorn stand in the corner of the Labour Party’s upcoming leadership election. ‘He really got into the swing of it, scooping it into bags and adding toppings,’ said the Downing Street Press Secretary. ‘He said it felt like the first time in two years he was doing something that mattered. So he has decided that he will cont
Those new Burnham policies in full
As the nation looks forward to a proper northern Prime Minister, with proper northern policies, Newsbiscuit presents a handy guide to what we can all expect. More investment in the north. 'Currently the north's benefits bill is a huge drain on the rest of the country,' said Andy Burnham today. 'Instead, we should send just as much money north, but call it investment. Which would in some way be better.' The national anthem to be replaced by the music from the Hovis ad, or the
Zia Yusuf 'Happy to accept explanation'
Home affairs spokesman for Reform UK Zia Yusuf has said he is 'completely satisfied' with Nigel Farage's explanation as to why he has been blocked from standing as a candidate at by-elections. Yusuf refuted suggestions that the block has anything at all to do with the colour of his skin. 'Yes, of course this idea crossed my mind at first,' said Yusuf, 'but I challenged Nigel about it, and he was frank and honest with me. He said he could give me five million reasons if he wi
