Camelot, operators of the National Lottery, has today been sold to Teachers for £389M. This has been done to safe guard the huge gap in the Teachers pension fund.
So what of the future for the Lottery. Well, first we can expect a two month hiatus of the poor mans tax during the months of July and August. Also, Applied Mathematics will work towards providing a more realistic framework for understanding and predicting the probability of the outcome of the Lottery which will result in more teen winners. As a result, these students will be able to pay for the University education which will reduce the burden on the State.
School Trips will consists of visits to the newly commissioned Camelot Theme Park, which replaced the Super Casino idea. Here you will be able to see Guenivere and Arthur; Wax works of Eamon Holmes and Dale Winton; play Tic Tax Tut; and ride the Labour Rollercoaster once... as it comes off the rails near the end.
Timetable will also change.
Under 5's will be taught how to scratch their cards correctly, ensuring you use £1 coin and that you rub from right to left in a frenzied manner.
Under 11's will continually design a new pointless draw every week, until everyone gets completely confused about which lottery game they are playing (because lets face it, I dont know which game to play anymore....!!!)
Under 16's English will include a manipulation module to ensure that they are competent enough to extract cash out of their folks without them knowing they have done it.
Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families, Ed Balls (83rd time his name has been mentioned in The Independant this week, and 7th time this week; 2nd time he has appeared on BBC News wearing a white shirt and red tie this morning) has said today "You have to be in it, to win it. Its a bit of a gamble, it was either sell Camelot or put it all on Red. This country, which was once built on sound financial building blocks and financial transactions, must now be built on the role of a dice"